CastleVania: Symphony of the Peanut
by Genya
Summary: Ah, the peanut. Difficult to eat indeed, but for such a pinnacle of perfection as Alucard, it should be a snap. Right? Right? Rated T for mild language, brief spits of violence and hot skeleton maids. Rowrrr!


CastleVaniaSymphony of the Peanut

A dark figure sat proudly upon a demonic throne, evil enshrouding the shillouted form. The faint glow of moonlight illuminated soulless eyes, blood-red and cold as ice. A bony white hand grasped the stem of a wine glass. The hand rose up and pressed the rim of the glass to a pair of thin, pale lips. They parted and took in the fine red liquid before closing once more. The wine glass came to rest upon the arm of the ghastly throne.

_The massive wooden doors creaked open, wailing on their ancient hinges. The silvery light of the moon lit up the room even more as clouds parted before her. The steady tap, tap, tap of a determined man's stride echoed through the near-empty throne room. Candles began to light themselves, the tiny fires burning futily against the stark blackness of the room. High above the floor, a massive chandelier exploded with flickering flames, spreading its warm glow throughout the throne room. Enshrouded no longer, the form of Count Dracula blazed in all of his evil glory. His blood-red eyes stared blankly forward. He tapped a long, claw-like nail on his wine glass and spoke._

"So, you return." _In his emotionless eyes, the ghostly reflection of his son defies the steadfast gaze of his father._

"I have. We settle this now." _he said, reaching back for his prized sword. Dracula discarded his glass, the clear crystal shattering on the floor and letting the blood held within spread in a small pool on the floor. He stood up with cape drawn back, ready to truly finish his son and end the struggle. Alucard clenched his fist and swept his arm out, air parting way of the powerful gesture. _"With THESE!"

The time has once again come

For the forces of Good and Evil

To engage in their ancient battle.

The peanuts beckon to you…

And no man can say who

Shall emerge victorious.

CastleVania Symphony of the Peanut 

Dracula let fly a sweat drop. Alucard stood defiantly, clutching a purple sack with a large yellow "P" on the front. He put one hand in the sack and pulled out a peanut.

"This, father, is a peanut." Dracula rolled his eyes and took a seat for the coming exposition. "In the inventory, the peanut's description says 'Difficult to eat.' Indeed, they have proved themselves a worthy challenge to my skill and unearthly grace. These legumes…"

"Legumes?" Dracula queried.

"Yes, legumes. Peanuts are not really nuts. Allow me to explain. You see…" And so Alucard began. Dracula pulled out his pocket watch and started timing his son. Candle wax dripped down the gold candlesticks as they wasted away. A few skeletons scuttled about, changing candles and cleaning. A few highly alluring ones in French maid outfits did the dusting and sweeping. Finally, after a good day's expositing, Alucard did finish. "… And that is why they are legumes, not nuts."

"Yes, yes. That's all quite nice. Be gone."

"Not yet. This shall not be a contest of brute force, but a contest of skill, timing, and peanut-eating! We shall each take one peanut, toss it into the air and attempt to eat it." Alucard said, tossing a peanut to Dracula. The vampire examined it and tossed the peanut in the air a few times, letting it drop back into his pure-white palm.

"Sounds easy enough. Are you prepared to loose?" he asked. Alucard stepped up, cape sweeping behind him with ample dramatic flourish. He struck a pose.

"I am prepared to defeat you and end your vile schemes. Dracula!"

"You called?"

"You shall haunt this world no longer!" Alucard said, and he threw his peanut into the air. He tilted his head back and braced, waiting to catch it in his mouth. Dracula sneezed.

"Bless you." Alucard said. The peanut bounced off of his nose and landed on the floor beside him. He rose back up and glared at the peanut. His eyes turned to look at his father, who was smiling evilly. Alucard knelt down, picked up the peanut and dusted it off. "Your turn."

"If you can't even eat a peanut, how could you ever expect to defeat me?" Dracula threw the peanut into the air, craned his head back and opened his mouth.

"Hey, look, a Belmont!" Alucard yelled. Dracula's head snapped up, eyes blazing.

"Where?" He whipped around, looking for the Belmont. The peanut landed atop Dracula's head with a light bonk. Dracula reached up, plucked the peanut off of his hair and glared at his son. "Cheater." he hissed under his breath. Alucard took his turn and tossed the peanut.

"Death is stealing your sword." Dracula said. Alucard grabbed the hilt of his sword, swung it out and lowered his head to meet his foe's skeletal eye sockets.

Unfortunately, he'd fallen victim to a dirty trick. He watched in anguish as the peanut fell to the ground before him. Once again, he picked it up and dusted it off. Then Dracula took his turn.

"What's that I hear? Is it an angry mob outside?" Alucard asked. Dracula dashed to the window and looked out.

"You are hearing things, my son. It is a clear, tranquil Transylvanian night. Listen! The wolves! Ah, the children of the night…"

"Your peanut is waiting for you on the floor, father."

"Shit."

"I believe it's my turn now." Alucard said, flicking the peanut in the air. A skeleton maid walked up behind Alucard and bent over, dusting a candlestick. Alucard bent back further, trying to get a better look. His back arched, head craned back fully. The sheer elegance, and lack of a wire fighting team, would have made Neo hang up his trench coat in shame.

"Hello there." he quipped, getting sight of the skeleton's alluring, lacy black underwear. The maid turned around, screamed and whacked him with her feather duster. Alucard fell flat. His peanut landed on his chest, mocking his sub-human peanut eating skills. Dracula, meanwhile, was rolling on the floor with laughter.

"Shut up, father." Alucard said as he stood up and dusted off. He spat out a feather. Dracula got up slowly, still laughing. Tears were coming out of his eyes in droves.

"All right then. I shall-I shall-oh, hell." He fell back to the floor. A throwing star grazed his nose. Dracula's eyes bugged out. He leapt up and threw his peanut in the air. Before he could snap his head up, a little fairy appeared in front of him. She gave him a playful look and flashed a bit of thigh. Dracula leaned forward, eyes wide with anticipation. The fairy fluttered back a bit and leaned forward so he could get a good look down her shirt. Then, she did a burlesque dance. Oh, did her dress fly! The count's jaw dropped to the floor, arms dangling limply at his sides. The fairy stopped, blew him a kiss looked beside him. Dracula stole a glance at the floor.

His peanut had fallen down right by him. He regained his composure and procured the legume (yes, legume, we already had this exposition) from the floor. The fairy was sitting on Alucard's shoulder, both of them smiling.

"That wasn't funny." Dracula spat.

"I thought it was." Alucard replied. He flicked his peanut in the air and bent back to catch it. His fairy went off balance and fell, letting out a high-pitched yelp. She caught herself and slapped Alucard. He pulled up and turned to face her.

"Now look here, faerie. That was completely uncalled for! Back to the Relic screen you go!" He pulled up the pause menu and accessed the Relics submenu. He scrolled down and slid the switch to OFF on the Faerie card. The fairy pleaded with him, but it was too late. She vanished the instant the menu was closed.

Unfortunately, he completely missed the peanut.

"More trouble than she's worth, eh sonny?" quipped the dark one. Alucard slid his toe beneath the peanut and deftly flicked it up, snatching it from the air. He gestured to his father, passing the turn with two fingers upturned. Dracula scoffed and tossed his peanut high into the air. It sailed past the chandelier, turning midair and falling down towards the Count's open mouth. His eyes glittered at the victory at hand, fangs glistening in the firelight.

A huge, flaming meteor whizzed by Dracula's midsection. He leapt back, soles of his black boots singed by the fires of the second ball of molten rock. He landed, glared at his son and caught his peanut in the palm of his ivory hand.

"Yes?" Alucard asked, mischievous grin spreading over his smooth, finely-featured face. Dracula passed the turn to his son with a naughty gesture, far outdoing his son's previous sign language. "Fine then. Prepare to loose!" Alucard said defiantly as he tossed his peanut upwards. The legume (seriously, look it up) scraped the ceiling, flipped over and dove towards Alucard's downturned head. Dracula waited. He had to time this one, or his son would truly win the fight. The peanut was getting closer. Alucard could almost feel the air parting way for it. He moved his head up slowly, letting the light move gracefully down his face and hair flutter along his back like a gentle stream of pale gold.

"Have at you!" Dracula yelled, leaping at his son. Alucard drew back swiftly, sword tearing out from its sheath, cutting into the air and ripping a long, thin gash across Dracula's marble-hued throat. Alucard slid back and drew up his shield, waiting. Dracula whirled around and flung out his cape. A trio of hellish fireballs came blazing towards Alucard. The half-breed fell to his knees, ducking behind his shield. The flames struck, exploding against the metal with fiendish hisses. Alucard stood, unscathed, and leapt. His cape flared up behind him as he seemed to glide effortlessly through the air. Alucard turned, aiming his heel right at the Count's head. Light shone brightly off the polished leather as the living arrow streaked down towards its target.

During this, Dracula made several gagging motions towards the author's descriptions of Alucard. The author promptly scribbled several zeroes off his paycheck and delivered a Raspberry to End All Raspberries. She was a millisecond off of the world record. Damn.

To counteract all this, Dracula did say "Thbbbt!" right back at her and teleported out of the way. Alucard was knocked flat with a Hellfire blow from his father.

"Shall we abandon our peanuts for a classic duel of skill and strength?" Alucard asked.

"Let's." Dracula agreed. Alucard promptly equipped his best armor and accessories, checked his active relics and reviewed his spell combinations. After an hour of this, Dracula began to tap his foot impatiently.

"Come ON!" he roared. Alucard shut the pause menu and twirled his sword.

"Let's dance."

The battle raged. Lunge for lunge, leap for leap, Hellfire for Hellfire. The two were evenly matched. Alucard leapt and dodged, moving like an elegant dancer as he slipped through attacks no human could have hoped to evade. Dracula swung with such force as to liquefy bones, slinging Hellfire that would incinerate the hardiest stones. They both phased in and out, blasting each other with the flames of the underworld itself, both summoned orbs of hot, molten destruction from thin air. They called upon servants to fight with them, living swords hacking apart hell-beasts, tiny demons impaling fiends upon his spear. Dracula and Alucard fought to a standstill. They backed off, winded. Alucard wiped the sweat from his brow as Dracula wiped the blood from his open wounds. Alucard struck another heroic pose, tip of his sword leveled at Dracula's black heart.

"I shall not stop until you are destroyed, for I…" he began. The speech was interrupted by the sound of those ancient, massive wooden doors positively howling on their old, stiff hinges. The doors slammed against the walls, rattling the chandelier and tipping over a few candelabras nearby. Dracula looked back, Alucard leaning to the side. In the doorway, a very irate Richter Belmont stood in the doorway. His eyes were glowing with anger, both of them piercing Alucard through with their gaze.

"I want my peanuts." he snarled. Richter stood up straight, pulling his right arm back. His legs braced to the ground, mouth inhaling deeply. Alucard made cutting motions along his throat, begging Richter to stop. Dracula's eyes bugged out, a mighty sweatdrop falling from his brow. Richter's arm was thrust powerfully to the sky as he called out to the heavens with all his might.

"HYDRO STORM!"

"Oh, piss." said father and son in unison.

Richter walked forward, stepping over the pile of ashes that had been Dracula. He knelt by the unconscious form of Alucard, snatching up the sack of peanuts. Richter tapped the Start button, Alucard blinking out. He loaded Alucard's save file and left the castle, deftly tossing peanuts into the air and snapping them up in his mouth.

Alucard awoke at the last save point he'd utilized, lacking a bag of pilfered peanuts.

"Drat."

See? I told you in the prologue.

No man _could_ say

Who shall emerge victorious.

Never saw it coming, did you?

Didn't think so.

The peanuts beckon to you…


End file.
